


Balm

by LovelyLittleGrim



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Aplogies, Christopher is my favorite, Light Angst, M/M, Season 3 ep 5 Fix it fic, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 11:48:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21178919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLittleGrim/pseuds/LovelyLittleGrim
Summary: Eddie should be sleeping, but he's not and for once that turns out to be for the best.





	Balm

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tabbytabbytabby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/gifts).

> I am unsure whether this will actually end at chapter two of if this is going to grow into something bigger. For my own sake, I hope it's not the latter. 
> 
> Gifting this to Tabitha because its that monsters fault I'm even in this fandom and suffering with you all.

It’s late. Nearing Midnight, Eddie would be—and should be, asleep by now, but he can’t seem to find rest. He’s too caught up in his own head. This year has been a hard one on him and he’s beyond ready for it to end even though there’s still several long months ahead of him.

The day keeps playing over in his head, like a bad movie reel. His anger at Buck, at himself, at everything really. It all weighs him on him, drags him down to a dark place he had hoped to never be again in his life.

He hadn’t realized until recently just how much he’s come to rely on the people around him—on Buck more so than others until suddenly Buck wasn’t there for Eddie to lean on when he needed him most. When he wasn’t there for Eddie to confide in about Christopher’s nightmares, about Eddie’s anger, when he wasn’t there to be the one phone call Eddie go while sitting in jail.

He’d snapped at Buck at the store earlier today. He’d snapped hard. Said things he wishes he could take back. He’d told Buck to grow up, push through it when Eddie knows that’s not something everyone can do. Recovery, physical and mental, both take time, and that time differs for every person. Eddie knows that. More than most, but he just… he was just so angry.

The most annoying part of it all was the realization after it was all said and done, that Eddie hadn’t even been talking about Buck. He was talking to himself about himself. About his need for Buck in his life. He’d been projecting and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

A heavy sigh leaves him, his eyes focused on the dark patch above him. It grows and sinks as his vison goes in and out of sleepy focus, like a living thing. Eddie doesn’t know what to do anymore. He keeps thinking about that place Bosko had taken him after she bailed him out, that weird junkyard fight club. He wonders if it would help, be some type of fisticuffs therapy. He thinks it probably could, thinks it would help quell the rage and frustration that keep bubbling up in him every time something new and shitty happens to him and the people in his life.

It’s a bad idea.

Logically, he knows that.

He’s a firefighter for fuck's sake. He can’t afford to be caught in a fighting ring in the middle of nowhere, can’t afford to be sore and bruised. There are peoples lives on the line, people that count on him to be able to do his job well and if he’s too worn out and aching, how would he be able to do that?

That doesn’t stop the thought from swirling back around to it, ‘What ifs?’ popping up each time.

He wishes Bosko hadn’t taken him there in the first place. Wishes she hadn’t been able to read him so well to see that it might be something he needs now that he’s missing yet another important person in his life. Buck isn’t dead. He’s just… Out of reach. In more ways than one.

Eddie wants his best friend back, he also wants something that was never on the table. Something more and now—even though that possibility was beyond reach, it feels stupidly farther away.

His phone, faced down and charging on his nightstand, buzzes in the darkness. Eddie frowns at it tiredly. Everyone he knows should be asleep by now, his coworkers—the ones he actually speaks to on the regular, all have an early shift tomorrow just like him, and both his Abuela and Carla are early-to-bed-early-to-rise people.

He stares at his phone for a long moment, debating with himself whether or not he has the energy it’ll take to actually reach over and check it, or if he just wants to close his eyes and pretend to sleep until it actually happens.

Curiosity gets the better of him—well, curiosity and worry that another person he loves could be hurt. Lifting his arm feels like lifting a two-ton bag of sand, impossibly heavy and way too much for him to handle, but he manages. Somehow. Rolling himself onto his side, he unplugs his phone and flips it upwards.

The sudden brightness of his screen makes him flinch back, eyes squinting in pain and lips thinning. He always forgets to set it to night mode and he always lives to regret it at some ungodly hour in the middle of the night.

It takes him several long seconds before he can see well enough to read the name in his notifications. Warmth rushes over his body when he sees the name, something surprised and oddly hopeful settling beneath his skin. It’s been a long time since he and Buck had last texted one another—way too long. But, seeing Buck’s name on his phone feels like relief in his bones.

Eddie hurries to unlock his phone, frustration bubbling up in him when the stupid thing acts like he suddenly has the wrong fingerprints, not once but twice. He needs to apologize, needs to explain how it wasn’t Buck that Eddie was angry at; it was all self-projection—it was loneliness and guilt and… and things Eddie doesn’t want to think about. He wants to tell Buck that he’s important to not only him but also to Christopher, that Christopher missed Buck and so did Eddie.

With a little huff of impatience, he settles on just thumbing in the passcode—Chris’s birthdate--and then goes to his text messages. He opens it without hesitation and reads over the words again.

**Received: 23:49:** _Are you awake?_

He knows that Buck can see he’s read the message, Eddie’s tried to figure out how to turn that off but he’s not the best when it comes to technology and he always forgot to ask Buck how to do it when they hung out.

The bubble with ellipses pops up, Eddie watches them. Buck’s typing something else, something long or he’s trying to at the very least because the bubble disappears and reappears several times. Buck’s probably just as confused and unsure about how to deal with any of this like he is.

When the bubble finally stays gone, Eddie still does nothing. He wonders what it was Buck wanted to say. Why Buck is even awake. Why he’s texting Eddie when there isn’t supposed to be any contact between them until everything is officially announced as over.

Eddie hesitates for a moment and then tries to type out a greeting, an apology, something meaningful, but none of those words come and the ones that do sound aloof, hallow. He erases them only to rewrite something even worse, again and again, he tries and wonders if maybe this is how Buck had felt before just giving up.

Finally, Eddie settles on something easy, something light. 

**Sent: 00:11:** _Yeah, what’s up?_

He doesn’t get to see if Buck has read his text because Buck is more tech-savvy than Eddie is and has his read notifs turned off. So, Eddie has to wait and hope that Buck isn’t asleep. It feels like eon’s before those bubbles appear again and then finally there’s another message.

**Received 00:17:** _can you come outside? Please?_

Eddie blinks at the text in confusion.

Outside? Like… outside his house? Right now? At this time?

Rolling out of bed feels easier than sitting up and reaching for his phone had. Throwing on a shirt and sliding his feet into a pair of unlaced boots feels as natural as breathing. There’s something like excitement, like adrenaline, coursing through his veins, urging him on as fast as he can as he hurries towards the front door. He tries to slow down before reaching it, tries to catch his breath that’s coming just a little too fast before he pulls open the door.

He’s not sure he manages all the way, but it doesn’t matter.

Buck is on his front porch, body slouched back against the railing, face pale and guilty-looking beneath the watery moonlight.

“Buck?” Eddie says quietly, and it feels good to say his name again, to speak it gently and not yell at him for things that seem so trivial now. He closes the door behind him quietly and crosses his arms over his chest. It’s not cold, but he’s never been sure what to do with his hands in moments like these. “What are you doing here?”

Buck glances up at him and then away, the very picture of dejection and regret. “I…” He startles, tongue flicking out to lick at his lips. He clears his throat and tries again. “I just wanted my job back, you know. I didn’t want money or to hurt anyone, I just…”

Buck swallows heavily and Eddie can’t stop himself from moving just a little closer, the wood creaks beneath the shifting of his weight and it sounds impossibly loud in the stillness of the midnight hour.

Buck meets his eyes, just for a brief moment. They’re huge and dark, and so desperate for Eddie to understand. “I just wanted my family back, Eddie.”

Eddie’s heart seizes in his chest, stuttering to a painful halt and then thumping heavily in the cage of his ribs. Buck looks young like this, lost and terrified. It reminds Eddie of the moment they were face to face at the pop-up clinic. When Buck had thought Christopher was lost for good and didn’t know how to speak the words to Eddie. Buck hadn’t lost Christopher, not really.

“You didn’t lose us, Buck,” Eddie says seriously.

“Maybe not then, but now… everyone hates me,” Buck murmurs. “I, I was just so angry at Cap for what he was doing, for not letting me come back. I swear I had no idea how far this would go or end, and now… I’ve lost everyone and I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t know who to be.”

Buck’s throat clicks louder, his breath hitching. “Being a firefighter, saving people… that’s my calling, was my calling, I don’t know who I am without that.”

He rubs at his face and that’s when Eddie realizes that Buck is crying. It’s the quiet type. The sort of tears that come after holding back for so long. The kind that leaves your eyes red and your heart aching, but never makes a sound.

Eddie doesn’t know what to do. He can’t move. Can’t speak.

Buck sucks in a sharp breath and drops his hands to his lap, fingers twisting together. “I turned down the money and dropped the lawsuit. I, I don’t know what I’m going to do next, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I didn’t know that guy was going to bring up Shannon like that. And I understand if you don’t want me around Christopher anymore, but could you at least let me say goodbye?”

Eddie feels slow. The lack of sleep and the late hour catching up with him, muddling his thoughts. Buck’s saying too much too quickly, and Eddie is still focused on the little tear tracks on Buck’s cheeks. He wants to wipe them away, erase them from existence. So, it takes him a-longer-than-reasonable about of time to realize that Buck is waiting on a response.

Frowning, Eddie backtracks through the conversation. His head tipping to the side to look at the closed front door and then back to Buck. “It’s almost one in the morning Buck, he’s asleep right now.”

Buck’s jaw clenched and his head bobs jaggedly. “Right. Yeah. Sorry. Just tell him tomorrow for me? Tell him I love him and I’m sorry, please?”

Eddie’s heard enough goodbyes to understand that this is what that is. Buck plans on leaving their lives. And, that is something Eddie just can’t allow. Not now. Not when Eddie’s only just come to the conclusion that he very much needs Buck in it.

The wood creaks again, loud and whining as both of them move. Buck towards the porch steps and Eddie towards Buck. He doesn’t hesitate before snatching at Buck’s sleeve and tugging him back, probably closer than is necessary, but he rationalizes it by the late hour and the need to speak softly.

“Buck, wait.”

Buck doesn’t quite meet his eyes, but his head is turned towards Eddie, his arm brushing Eddie’s chest.

Sucking in a deep breath, Eddie gathers his thoughts. There’s a lot he needs to say, and he needs to do it without fucking everything up worse. “Chris loves you. You know that. I know that. And, I know that you love my son too. I would never keep you away from him. It doesn’t matter what goes on between you and me. You’re a good person and you’ve never, not once, treated Chris like he wasn’t capable of anything he set his mind too. You’ve always loved him like he’s your own family… I’m not going to take that from either of you.”

“You’re not?” Buck’s voice cracks on the words, like he can’t believe them. “But—”

“No buts.”

Bucks are larger up close, full of emotion as he stares at Eddie. He nods, head dipping down low. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Buck,” Eddie tells him as he drops his gaze. He freezes when he sees that his fingers are still snagged in Buck’s sleeve, holding so tight that his fingers are white with it. He loosens his hold, but he doesn’t let go. “I need to apologize to you.”

“No man, you don’t—” Buck shakes his head—” Seriously, you were right.”

“I wasn’t. You needed help Buck and I came down on you hard. I’m sorry about that. I just, it’s been a hard year and that’s not an excuse but it’s the truth,” Eddie tries to explain, thumbs rubbing along the soft sleeve. He’s scared to meet Buck’s eyes now, but he knows he needs to. “After losing Shannon and then almost losing Christopher…”

Eddie takes a shaky breath and lifts his head. He finds Buck looking right back at him, expression patient and imploring, waiting for Eddie to finish his sentence.

“I felt like I lost my best friend, man,” Eddie whispers. “You suddenly weren’t around and I wasn’t allowed to see you or talk to you. I needed you and you weren’t here. And I get it now, how you felt like no one was on your side, Buck, and I’m sorry for that.”

Buck lets out a little laugh, too high and forced to be honest amusement. “I guess we're both a little fucked up, huh, buddy?”

Eddie lets out a tired huff. “I guess so.”

Scuffing his boot against the porch step, Buck says quietly, “You know I’m here now, right? If you wanna talk about it?”

Eddie’s surprised at that.

He’d thought that Buck would want to leave after their little heart to heart, but Buck doesn’t look eager to leave like he had just moment’s prior. He looks soft and tired, but there’s just the beginning of a smile on his face as he pokes Eddie in the ribs and says, “I’ve kinda been dying to know how you landed yourself in jail.”

Eddie still doesn’t let go of Buck’s sleeve, but Buck doesn’t seem to mind as Eddie tugs him back up the steps and towards the door. “Come inside and I’ll tell you about the giant asshole and the parking spot incident.”

“This I’ve got to hear.”

Buck moves willingly, way closer than necessary, bumping their shoulder together as they walk. He’s warm against Eddie’s side, familiar and calming, almost like a balm to the anger that had been in Eddie, washing it away.

As they slip through the threshold, something eases inside of Eddie. He snorts out a little laugh when he thinks about the place Bosko had shown him and realizes that he doesn’t need it. Never did.

This. Right here. Buck’s reassuring presence and quiet laughter. This is what he missed. This is what he needed.


End file.
